SUCKBLOG spring 06

APRIL 7, 2006: LIVIN THE SUCKLIFE. LIVE IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Had a really fun and intense last week. Here is the full tale:

Day one: NO REST FOR THE VILLAIN! I had just gotten the bare essentials moved into my new crib and broken it in with the lady when I had to prepare for the arrival of my long lost friend ZMRE from Cali. We made up on New Years and now she was comming back to sell her magazine at the BIG APPLE COMICON. Imagine if you will a hot little blond haired pierced up asian stripper goth girl and you get what I'm talking about. Had to run out and buy sheets and shit for her cuz I was putting her on the couch. I wasn't planning on macking on that at all. I got a girl and plus this is business. She was doing some modeling for me and I wanted to keep things above board. Don't need to complicate my life here. Seeing her walking around naked was ok though. So she gets in and we go to see BILLIONS McMILLIONS do his toy signing for his SHUTTLEMAX toy at KID ROBOT. She was all tired and kinda bumming out. She didn't get too chatty with my friends and I started to worry about what kind of week I was gonna have taking this moody creature around. I had mad other shit I was putting on hold for her. We just shopped a little and started talking about the convention. I didn't know how this was gonna be. We planned to do the con, get her a gig at a strip club, shoot a movie and do two photo shoots. A lot of shit. Was this all gonna work out?

Day Two: HASH CAKES AND COMIC FAGGOTS. So we got up kinda early and packed up her bullshit for the con. Big poster, box of mags, flyers, my beatbox. It took her like an hour to do her make up. It was a weird trip up there. Me hauling all this shit on a hand cart while she walked ahead in platforms and a micro mini showing her ass to all these track workers in chinatown. what the fuck? She was a spectacle wherever she went. It was great. Wake up everybody. Check this new SUCKADELIC girl! So we get to the convention center in Times Square and start hooking up stuff. I had to grommet up her poster and hang it at an angle from the ceiling. Bought a red sheet for the table. Merched up the booth, started the music, she got in place and boom! Nothin really happened. I knew it. This con is always a drag. Lots of people, but they're all so sleepy. She had tons of typical comic dork guys milling around, but they were all too cheap to buy her shit. I lost money here years ago at my Suckbooth. She got a few fans and moved a handful of mags, but not much. We said fuck it and bounced early. Got Korean food and then went downtown to a birthday party for MARY PAPER$ at the Shabu Shabu spot. We just got wasted and ate all this food. Duck and corn and beef and mushrooms. Mary looked fly as hell in her new grillz and I hit her off with the prototype for her new toy. Then they break out the big Hash cake and we eat a bunch of that. Suddenly Mary is all fuckin tired and wants to leave. All old now and shit at 28. So we go the the afterparty without her and spend fuckin $20 each to get into goddam BLVD. I can't believe I'm allowing myself to get ripped off like that. I'm trying to show this Cali girl that NYC knows how to party. I guess I picked the wrong place cuz people were WAAACK! I felt so embarassed cuz my friend was slowly developing an opinion of New York and it wasn't all that positive. I mean we all know that NYC is getting lamer all the time, but we sort of forget on the day to day. But when you get someone from out of town expecting something big, you remember real quick how shit just don't measure up anymore. She did a little routine on the stripper poles they had there, but she complianed that they were too short. Some bisexual Austrailian guy started hitting on me and ZMRE said the hash cake made her sleepy, so we left.

Day3: SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT POLE. We got up so late, it took her forever to do her hair so we didn't get to the con until like 1:30. All our shit was on the floor and we had to re-set the whole space. I had the SUCKLORD armor with me so I suited up and tried to sell some CDs. Nothing. I was so not in the mood and nobody bought anything. ZMRE didn't do much better. SPOOKY BOOTY came thru and made her first public apperance. She was a little shy at first, but everyone loved her black fishnets and pum-pum shorts, black lipstick and Doom Mask. She got in almost as many pics as ZMRE, and she's a professional model! Yay Spooky Booty! Shit was wack sales wise, so we left early again. ZMRE was determined to find a club she could dance in to make some extra bucks, and she needed a good pole. I was the NYC ambassador, so I felt obliged to make this happen. Thing is, I don't know shit about strip clubs. So I winged it. We checked out some lame spots down by Wall st. One place lacked a pole and the other didn't like her pierceings. Homos. Then we went uptown to see more spots. My lady was with us so I had to pay for her to get into fuckin FLASHDANCERS as well as buy two ten dollar budwisers. Sixty bux total. When the manager saw ZMRE, he dissed her out of hand cuz her hair was two different colors. Apparently that was outside of their "standards." 60 Bux! I should have waited outside. I was hopping mad not only at losing $$$ which I hate, but just the wackness of the club and how lame all the other dancers were. ZMRE could have lit that place up and they dissed her cuz she has cool hair. You suck. I had an altercation with some idiot stripper cuz she overheard me complaing. So we left and once again I was feeling like NY had failed me. Where were the funky strip clubs? I don't know. So we get to Times Square and what's left of the Deuce. That little stretch of 8th Av that still has some titty bars. It's like 11:30 and we find some spot LACE that will let her try out. Its a small dim but clean little spot. Very low key, mostly tourists. So me and my girl sit down for some drinks and ZMRE goes to to change. The place is not cheezy, but the girls dancing are pretty uninspired. Lots of corn fed blondes listlessly moving on stage. Then ZMRE comes out in a fuckin Marilyn Monroe costume with 4 inch clear platforms and just leaps up that pole and comes spinning down all upside down with her ass all out in the air. The few people that were in there went nuts. I went nuts, my girl went nuts. It was an amazing performance. Too good for that place. My girl, bless her heart, gave me some bills to stick in ZMRE's thong. A few others followed suit. She was the only dancer to get $$$ on the stage, All the others were just doing lapdances. So she got the gig. She decided to stay and work the shift. I took my girl home, we did our thing. ZMRE came back at 4:30. She made some $$$, but not much. She said she missed her club at home and that dancing in NYC suckes. Dammm!

Day 4: THE PERFECT LIFE! So me and my 2 girls wake up the next day and decide fuck the con. I took Spook Boots up to Penn Plaza to get all our shit and left ZMRE to sleep off her big nite. Picked up all our gear and bailed out like it was Vietnam. Got home and called a bunch of peeps for some dim sum. Kimmy D came thru as well as Mary Papes and her friend. We ate and then went shopping. You think shopping with one girl is a drag, try five! We spent hours in all these stores looking for a dress for Girlfirend. It was kinda cool actually, I'm half a faggot anyway so I don't mind looking at clothes and giving opinions and watching them all try things on. They were all getting along so good and it was nice seeing all my female hotties pitching in to help my lady find a dress for a wedding. It was a beautiful day. Smoked an L and just macked back with my 5 honies. I felt like some kind of hipster Hugh Hefner with my little multi-ethinc stable of gorgeous women. Stopped by the old mom crib for them to pee and they got into my porn collection and tried to psychoanlaize me cuz of my BUKKAKE DVDs. Then we got margaritas. Mad props to my girl for not getting weird or jealous cuz I have beautiful friends. Other girls might have done that. It was all good. MZRE liked all my friends and they liked her. Good. That's all part of my plan. Smoked pot and watched Sopranos and guzzled wine. Gave ZMRE the house keys and took girl to her crib for some quality time. A perfect day.

Day 5: SUPERSTUNTS! Stress. This was the day I had scheduled to shoot the first scene of the Big SUCKLORD-BILLIONS McMILLIONS movie we've been talking about, I wanted ZMRE to make a cameo, so this was the time. I also roped in the graf villain EARSNOT to play a role. I had KIMMY D as another character. PLUS Billions and Pharoh on camera and lights. Lots of personalitys there. I was in the scene in my whole SUCKLORD armor and I was worried we Weren't gonna gel as group. To make matters more complicted, we were filming on the SUBWAY. Now it's not really legal to do that without a permit and we needed an empty car. I had no idea how late we would need to wait and how far we would have to travel out of Manhattan to get that. I was worried that peoples' morale would wane before we got the proper conditions. It was pouring rain that day and I was really distraced. ZMRE wanted to go shopping and we needed a costume for her for the shoot. We went to mad stores and time was ticking. Couldn't find a dress she liked and I was subtlely going out of my mind with worry. I didn't want her to bum out, so I tried to hide how stressed I was. We were near the mom crib so I wanted to grab a lowrider for the next day. I put ZMRE in a cab and I pushed the bike all the way down to chinatown in the pouring rain. Kinda bummin but also psyched at what an adventure this phase of creativity was turning out to be. Got back to the Suckhouse and had ZMRE throw the keys down to me and they landed in the gutter. The pouring river of rain water almost washed them down the sewer. At 10PM we hooked up with the film crew. We got our shit ready and all got on the train. Guess what? It went perfect. We had the empty car only about an hour into Brooklyn. Everyone got along great. Shot the whole scene. Peeps was on point. Snoty killed it. Even managed to shoot some extra shit like ZMRE doing a stripper pole routine in the Subway car, kicking the Sucklord in the head as he tries to attack her. There were a few people on the other side of the car and they got up and stared clapping. All these trainsit workers were watching from the other car and they were all thums up and smiling. YEAH! I can't believe we did it! We went and got drunk at Veselka. I was just pleased to be surrounded by such talented people that are willing to work for the SUCKCAUSE! Yes, Its all comming together. Props to Billions for the soild directorial come thru.

Day six: MORE FLIX! With the filmshoot off my plate, you'd think I'd be all chillin, but no. I had planned two more photo shoots with ZMRE for various suck projects. She was leaving the next day so they HAD to get done! Woke up late and the sky was fuckin GREY as fuck. Both shoots had to take place outside and it seemed doomed. I had some bizness around town and I left ZMRE at home, moping in bed. She had been a great sport this far, were were keeping a rapid pace as far as doing shit. I was still driven, but I was wondering if she would stay psyched to the end. Most people fall off, don't they? So I'm out handling shit and suddenly it starts getting a little nicer out. I'm like fuckit, she's a goth girl, its ok if her lowrider pictures are kinda cloudy. Too bad I didn't have a fotographer booked until 4. It was only 2. I hadda rush back to the suckmom spot to get my shitty camera. Its like 3 megapixels with no memory card. Damm! I felt real unprepeared but I didn't know how long the weather was gonna hold. Zoom back to C-Town and ZMRE is ready to go. We grab the bike and dip out. Its clear but cold and her little footsy-wootsies are cold. Fuck that! I put that bitch to work! Nah, she trooped it out like a trooper and gave me some fantastic poses in some cool locations. Problem is that I'm a shitty Photographer with a bad camera, so the final result was a little lackluster. Dammm! I mean I got some good shots that will go on the site, but not so many. And they are little low rez. I shoulda called Castro. What the fuck was I thinking? Anyway, we had to get ready for the SUPERVILLAIN shoot. Gonna make a SUCKFIG of her. So she goes into the house and transforms from a groovy hipster downtown lowrider hotty to a goth anime avenging angel with wings and a samurai sword in less than an hour.We shot the flix on the roof of my building. I live in an all chinese building and all my neighbors are little old people. When thay saw this crazy fantasy character with platform shoes and a sword strolling thru the hall, they must have wondered what the fuck is this crazy Lo Fan bringing into this building? Dont let the kids see!!!. It's weird. So Crystal Pharoh comes down, and HE knowes how to take a picture. The sun was going down and the light was blinging off the blade and she was all posed on the tower with a blazing blue sky. Here's this sexy supernatural sex creature landed on the roof of a New york chinatown building and declaring herself master of the world! And I made it happen! Pharoh was nice on the flix and ZMRE was psyched. went down smoked weed and got all obseed with cleaning the house.

Day 7: CRUSHING REALITY! That's it. Another high peak in the SUCKLIFE. I can see New years eve from here. Looks like this new season of SUCKBLOG is stariting on a high. Just like last season. having ZMRE here was a great experience. We made some great art, our friendship got tight, and we reminded a lot of these New York zombies how to have fun, dammit! But it was time to go. This was a crazy vacation and I had a good pal set off my new apartment and bring life to it. I never got along so well with housemate ever. Thank god she left before the inevitable crash. Speaking of crash, this was a fun vacation but when I got back to my regualr life it was in fuckin chaos. Half my shit was still at my mom's house, including my computer. All my shit from the abandonded SUCKHOLE is crammed into my old room. I have orders commin in for my toys and no place to make them. My new crib lacks internet, gotta hook that shit up, but there's no cable in the building. I gotta get the stupid DSL line (dick suck lips) I gotta shoot the rest of the SISE video, plus play a show at SOBs. Then I gotta get ready for the MARY PAPER$ toy release party. The toy isnt ready! My state Id expired too. Gotta go to the fuckin DMV! The aprtment is so empty and I have no furnature or cooking gear. I need to find a studio fast! If all this wasnt crazy enough, I'm about to be on this TV show....

APRIL 21, 2006: CAN'T GET A LIFE

Well I guess I got my fifteen minutes, boy was that no big deal. Yeah, you may have heard, I was on a TV reality show on VH1 called CAN'T GET A DATE. It is like a dating makeover show where they take loveable losers who are not without hope and they groom them to be more effective daters. It's lightweight stuff, but it's a fun, cute show. If you want to know more and watch the episode I'm in you can go to the VH1 website and look it up. You can also read the message boards and see what people are saying about me and the show. Speaking of the message board, there has been a lot of yap talking up there, and a lot of people have questions about the show. How was it made, how did I get cast, etc etc. Some have gone on to question the authenticity of the events, suggesting that they may have been scripted and not "reality" at all. Perhaps my account of the entire experience will shed light on these vapid and meaningless questions. SO, April 2004, I am desperate for work and I am cruising thru CRAIGSLIST looking for any type employment out there. I thought I may try getting some extra work on a movie or TV show, so I peeped all the casting calls and stuff. While surfing I came across an ad for "beautiful Losers" who were having bad luck dating and wanted to be on a reality show that would try to fix the problem. Normally I would be like, whatever, but they were paying $$$$, so I sent them a foto. The guy writes back and says I'm "too good looking" and he doesn't belive I am having trouble with girls. If only he knew. This was an older version of the SUCKLORD, mind you, and things weren't as fly then as they are now. I mean, I was not a virgin or anything, but I was going long periods of time without any action. My art was nowhere, I was broke, living with moms, and still carrying around a lot of high school angst when it came to the ladies. Here's a little embarassing fact about the SUCKLORD, he didn't lose his virginity until his second year of college. Isn't that terrible? Yeah, no matter how macking he may seem now, the Villain was a high school loser, the last American Virgin, and a very insecure and inexperienced, yet prideful momma's boy. It was only thru years of suffering and self refection that a somewhat effective sex life came about in the SUCKWORLD, but it was spotty at best.

Anyhoo, I didn't get invited for an audition and spent the whole summer not getting a single piece of pussy. I was trying really hard but I just wasn't getting it right. I was just really fustrated and horny, By early fall my self esteem had hit a new low. I was so fuckin poor, I took a miserable job and kinda wanted to blow my brains out. Anyway, it's October, I'm on Criagslist again and I see the same AD for the dating show. I figured fuck it, I really am having girl problems and this could be a good way to air them out. I'm kind of an exibitionist and I thought if I revealed my problem on national TV, it may be cathartic. What did I have to lose? So I applied again and they called me in. Apparently they were still trying to get the pilot off the ground and at the last minute the guy they chose bailed out. They were under the gun and needed a subject right away. I did a little audition and I guess because I was so defeated and demoralized at the time, yet somehow still charasmatic as fuck, they decied to go ahead and use me. And that was that. They were gonna spend one month getting to know me and my dating issues and they were gonna try to help me out with a makeover. It was a cool process making this show. How it works is there is a host, the disembodied voice you hear talking to me throughout the episode. What they did was use this special camera that had a small monitor under the lens, and the host's face was on the monitor talking to me. He was out of sight otherwise, and I could only see him thru the monitor. It was cool and we got along well. I won't give a play by play here, but you can watch the episode to see how it all unfolded. And yes, I got to keep the clothes.

Yeah, I got a date. Some have questioned the authenticity of this show and many have asked me how much of it was scripted. The answer is NONE. I know I'm a funny motherfucker and a lot of the banter on the program was SHEER GENIUS, but it was all on the fly. I had a good rapport with the host and we just let it roll. Yes, some of the situations were pre-arranged, but once I got there it just happened the way you saw it, no script, no coaching, and no predetermined outcome. It was a real reality show. Yes I got a date. That's how I met JENNY DOOM, just the way you saw it on the screen. Many have asked what happened to us after. Well I can't blow up spots, but we had a little thing for a minute there after the show was done. I don't really know why it didn't last longer, maybe she knows, but we are still friends and she scratches on SUCKADELIC projects from time to time. You can hear her on 3 tracks of the SUPERVILLAINS album and she does a short set on the new BAND OF THE LOST mixtape. She's really cute, right? Her cutting is on point too... So, that was the pilot. VH1 was into it and ordered like 15 more episodes. Some gay, some straight. so All of 2005 they spent shooting them. That's why it was so long between when they shot mine and when it aired. In the interim shit got really good for the SUCKMAN. Just having all those people backing me up and a whole production dedicated to my self betterment sent my self esteem thru the roof! And, yeah, I learned something about myself, I saw my bad habits layed out for others to dissect. It was cathartic to put it out in public. I mean, I wasn't a hopless case, this show isn't about that. I was a natural born pimp who forgot himself and needed help to remember. Since the show wrapped I have been doing WAY BETTER with the ladies. There hasn't been a dry spell since. This show was a real gateway into a new level of the SUCKLIFE. It reminded me of who I really was. After that my business picked up and I got re-inspired. It really worked. No lie. And I got paid.
So the show aired on April 7th and then played about six more times over the following week. Yeah, I get stopped on the street, yeah girls are hitting up my MYSPACE profile, trolling for action. Yeah, people are gassing me about doing more TV and getting my own show. But I couldn't enjoy any of it. I'm still trying to get my life together after moving, I have no internet at my house, I have no art studio yet, and my apartment looks like a no frills office. I gotta buy better lights, I need to get my computer going, I need furniture. I've been running around like a maniac. Plus, I actually have a girl now, so all these groupies are gonna have to slip thru the cracks. Yeah, filming the show was a great experience but when it played on the air it was no big deal. There is so much shit to watch on TV. This was just a drop in the bucket. My fifteen minutes came and went and I missed them. Get it together, jerk.

MAY 3, 2006: ORDER OUT OF CHAOS

Discovered that a beer I put in the freezer to chill a while ago just exploded. That’s the type of shit I’m talking about here. My Horoscope in the VILLAGE VOICE said something to the effect of “A hero is defined not by great trials, but by the day to day annoyances that can wear a man down." Boy is that true. Daily life is just a series of little stupid annoying details that don’t relate to each other just piling the fuck up one on top of the other. Like moving into a new house. Don’t get me wrong. It’s fly getting the fuck out of my mom’s crib after all these years, but adjusting to a new life is a bitch. I was comfortable there. Now I gotta start from scratch. Doing all this dum shit like buying a can opener. Having to remember to buy a new key ring. Making sure the Con Ed bill goes to the right PO box. Shit like that. Even laundry is a new hassle. Back at Mom spot a load cost me 80 cents in the basement. Now at the laundry mat here it's EIGHT FUCKIN DOLLARS! And it doesn't come back all piping warm like it should. That’s the type of shit that gave me the inspiration for the GALACTC JERKBAG figure. Like he‘s the personification of all these little trifling bullshit problems that just never seem to stop. My business life is all fucked up too. I still can’t find a decent art studio and I got mad production deadlines. I have been forced to set up a temporary workroom in my mom’s house, of all places. You can’t win. Just when I thought I was out, they keep pulling me back in. Agggh, fuckit. I also had to get a new computer. Yet another embarrassing fact about the SUCKLORD, He has been rocking system 9 up until last month. Yeah. I was comfortable with it and never got around to upgrading. So now I got a dope MAC BOOK PRO, too bad Photoshop doesn’t work too good with the new Intel chip. Gotta wait til 2007 for the fuckin upgrade. None of my old fonts work with system X. All that kind of minor shit you shouldn’t have to even think of is just crowding me out. Plus on top of all these little hassles, I got talked in to taking salsa lessons of all things. Don’t get me wrong. It’s fun, I believe all New Yorkers should posess this skill, but damm it’s embarrassing. I had a real hard time picking up the steps and I’m in a Latin band for crissakes! The instructor was this hot Russian chick and I just couldn’t keep up. I felt the fool and wanted to jump out the window. It’s in this Chinatown dance studio and all the other students were all together and had their special little dance class shoes. I looked at myself in the mirror and was horrified at what was looking back. This disheveled dirtbag jerkoff who can’t learn the steps glowering back at me. I must have smelled pretty bad too. Next week better be better… Oh well, at least I’m working on cool stuff. Got a toy release coming up on the 18^th. That’s another thing I gotta keep my eye on. Do I ever get to relax…?

May 20, 2006: WI-FAGS

So the big MARY PAPER$ release party came and went. What a hassle. Yeah we called up all the villains to come out to Williamsburg to get fucked up and sell toys. It was a great time. We had girls in masks, sold some toys, made some noise. It was ok. A good time. Got on COOL HUNTING. Props to all the peeps who made it happen. But I gotta say, putting this thing together was a royal pain in the ass. I had to do it all myself, as usual. It’s like in this new life nothing fits anymore. All my methods, from making toys, to selling them and promoting them are so old fashioned. Even the way I post the flix online is outmoded. Like I have a new computer and shit, but I’m still using it the old way. Everything I do requires me to grow and expand and I’m sick of it. I want to be fully realized now, not after a long period of productive living and learning. What a waste of time! I need to get some people on board. This whole one-man-army approach takes way too long. I need a good minion to do my busy work, like an intern or something. Where do I find someone trustworthy? Plus I need some kind of agent or manager or something to help with publicity and booking and organizing my life. I have too much going on. You know there is this toy artist guy around the way that I HATE. His art is okay; it’s just him as a person that I loathe. I won’t mention names, but this shit is bothering me a lot lately. Thing is I hate this guy, but he’s a lot more successful than me. Way more professional, and he’s getting ahead. When I’m struggling doing every detail of my operation and it’s taking so long I think of him with his employees and smooth operation and agents, and I GET MAD! I hate this kid, but it looks like I may have to start stealing his methods. Hating him motivates me to get better. I have to study his moves and incorporate them. I just don’t want to go out like Saruman. Gandalf counseled against studying too closely the arts of the enemy, least we bcome enamored of evil knowledge. But I gotta find a new road soon or I'm finished. What else? Oh yeah, this new laptop is great, but it’s making me gay. As I write this I’m sitting in a foofy wi-fi café in the village sipping a latte and posting to my blog. Isn’t that the gayest thing you ever heard? I use to mock these guys. Now I am these guys. Am I still evil if I blog in public? Oh yeah, one other thing. After the HIGH 5 party we all went to SUGAR FACTORY to dance. I had to go thru security with the breifcase full of light sabers and weapons and shit. The guy at the door went thru my shit and didn't even see the fucking realistic Mary Paper$ GAT PISTOL just chilling in my bag. What the fuck is his problem? What if it was real? These guys are slacking...

MAY 26, 2006: CHINATOWN LIVIN

Well, it’s coming on two months since the SUCKLORD moved into Chinatown, so it seems like it’s time to go ahead and report on what the experience has been like so far. I gotta say it’s a mixed bag. Some pros and cons about this particular juncture of New York City. Gotta work around a lot of different shit. First off, without disclosing the actual address, I’m living right in the middle of old school, classic Chinatown. Not the Nolita part or the Lower east side part, or the Soho part. I mean the Ill, below Canal street, Cantonese, been-here-since-the-1800s part. Like if you were some jagoff tourist from Oklahoma that just got here and your tour guide was gonna take you to Chinatown to eat chop suey and buy a coolie hat, you would be at my front door. Hey, I don’t mind. I lived in the West Village my whole life. It’s really touristy. But this is crazy; I can’t even walk down the street sometimes it’s so congested. Plus it’s noisy. People yelling. Not to mention the garbage trucks servicing the restaurants here at all hours of the night, right by the window. The good part of all the noise is it gets me outta bed early. The sound of life going on without you can be motivating. A big bonus of living here is the food, of course. You can get all kinds of dope produce and seafood right out the door. Been cooking like crazy, just making up dishes with what’s right outside. Some things are really hard to find, though. I wanted to make tacos one night and I had to walk all the way to Pathmark on Pitt street to find the tortillas. However, I can find a 1000 year old duck egg without crossing the street. Weird. Needs getting used to. Plus all the stores close mad early. I used to be able to grab any kind of beer I wanted at any hour of the day. Now if I don’t get my shit by 9PM I gotta haul ass over to Centre street for a six-pack. The CHINATOWN ICE CREAM FACTORY is right downstairs. Can grab that up til 9pm, if you are in the mood. Another advantage is all the pretty girls everywhere. Right on my stoop we got an endless parade of hot, young, Chinese women doing their thing. Know what else I noticed? The butts are getting really big. You know the stereotype that Asian women are kind of lacking in this area? Well you wouldn’t know that down here. I have seen some serious badonks around my way. Especially these second generation girls all dipped in their tight jeans and Tims. Must be the American diet of milk and butter keeping them fat. Plus hip-hop has some influence on ass size too, I think. Yeah, the people around here are very friendly. I don’t know what the fuck my neighbors are saying most of the time, but they are low-key and mind their business, which is great. Sometimes they mind their business too much though. I do experience what I call the "gweilo effect." Like you’re a ghost and they can’t see you. Like I’ll be in line at the bakery trying to buy my chicken bun, standing in line and the counter girl won’t see me. I’ll be politely waiting and get ignored. Then some Chinese person will come up in front of me and cut the line. All of a sudden the counter girl will ring up this person and THEN I get to pay. This happens a lot. I don’t know what it’s all about, but I really sincerely feel that certain old school Chinese people are so into their shit that they don’t see white people. It’s not like they are purposefully ignoring you. It’s more like the literally don’t see you standing there cuz you’re invisible. Doesn't happen too often though. People are cool, for the most part. Overall living here is all good. I don’t like that I live in a fifth floor walkup and there is no intercom. I have to throw the keys down to my visitors. I also feel sorta like an interloper here. Like this is for Chinese people and me being here is another brick on the road to gentrification. I always get mad when I see some yuppie going in or out of his apartment on Baxter street or wherever. It ruins the scenery. Am I contributing to that? Or will I just get absorbed into the background? I hope it’s the latter. Yeah. I love my new crib. I never leave. I gave up going out at night. I just want to come home. I can do anything I want here, and I mean ANYTHING. So what else do I need? I got my porn and booze. I got my weed and Sopranos DVDs. What does the outside world offer? Well, fuck it, shit is gonna get busy soon. Got my new work studio jumpin off on the first of June. Lots of catching up to do, not to mention MAD NEW SHIT that’s gonna flip wigs. Best part. I can walk to the new spot from my house. It’s a good life….

MAY 30, 2006: WEEKEND WARIO

So I’ve been accused of being too uptight and worried about work on the weekend instead of just relaxing and enjoying myself. So that’s what I did this Memorial day weekend. I put all Suckadelic related concerns aside and dedicated my self to three days of pure FUN. Friday night I went to see X-MEN 3. What a piece of shit that was. I hated it. I then spent the next two days at girlfriend's house in my underwear drinking beer and playing THE HOBBIT video game on Xbox till 3 o’clock in the morning. What a great game. It’s a standard adventure-quest type game with fighting and exploring. I guess it wasn’t much of a hit when it came out in 2003, but I love it. I don’t really play videogames anymore, but this one rocks. It's essentially the highly evolved descendant of my favorite old skool game ADVENTURE for the ATARI 2600. If you just took all the dragons and castles and mazes and swords and keys and enchanted objects and multiplied it by 10,000, you would have this game. So girlfriend and I just took turns trying to crack each successive level. We got really far. We are up to the part with the wood elves now. I can’t wait to see what SMAUG is going to be like. Anyway Monday we decided to go to the beach, so we jumped on the train and went out to BRIGHTON BEACH to meet up wit another crew. I love this place. It’s so old school New York. No hipsters or yuppies here. I like seeing all the Puerto Rican girls and their Russian boyfriends getting wasted on the beach and blasting reggaton and acting wild. A lot of broken glass out there. A lot. That’s so fuckin unsafe. Kinda fucked it up. Water was too cold to go in but we sat on the beach and I got to play my favorite game, BUTT PILLOW. That was all good. Drank vodka and blasted shit out of the ipod speaker dock. We had a booty bitch with us getting all freaky to “Pop that Pussy” and “shake that ass girl.” The whole neighboring area was getting involved in the wild ass show that was going on with everyone yelling and passing out shots. Then I stuck my face up in there. Gonna try to post that on YOUTUBE. Yeah. It got a little cold so we went up to the boardwalk to TATIANA'S GRILL to keep drinking and eat some old school Russian food. It was dope, the waiters came out and put blankets around us as we sat outside and the accordion guy was there rocking the hits. DIPSET!!!! We had the caviar on the bread and the pickles and all that. It was weird doing straight shots of vodka during the meal, but I guess that’s how it’s done, so I’m not complaining. Our little half-Russian, half-Dominican friend was getting all fucked up at the table and bugging out. Bitching in Russian, blasting crazy freestyle on the ipod and she didn’t care that it was really fucking loud. The guy at the next table was really getting into her when she started rubbing her titties around and stuff. Then he got into a big fight with his wife. We were really misbehaving. SO after we drunk and ate we got the fuck out and went to the car which was parked up on avenue Z. That was amazing cuz I never knew there was such a street. So we got in the old hooptie Chrysler ’65 and zipped up back thru Brooklyn into the Battery tunnel as the sun was setting and the weed was waiting at home. Great times....Okay asshole, get back to work.

JUNE 13, 2006: JOE MILKCRATE

So I have been busting ass trying to get my life in gear and once again all those Galactic Jerkbags keep slowing things down. I finally got all the shit moved into the new SUCKHOLE and pretty much set up to get cracking. One thing I needed, however, was 4 milkcrates to set up a special table - workbench type scenario. No problem, I figured. They got discarded milkcrates everywhere. I'll just dip out for an hour and scoop some up and then get right to work. I found two right in the vicinity of the studio. For the third I had to go a little out of pocket down to Mechanics and Monroe street before I found one. It was kinda filthy, but I took it. Only one more to go. Should be ok. So I start combing the blocks keeping my eye out. It was a pretty nice day. I was psyched to finally be getting back on track with the studio. I was actually feeling pretty smug. Like I had some how tricked life into letting my job be wandering around Chinatown looking for loose mikecrates. Some suckers were actually doing work. Not me, my play is my work, I thought. As I was looking, some kid comes up to me to try to sell me some candybars. You know those little kids who are always on the subway trying to hustle money for their basketball team? Right. Who knows where that money goes. Anyway I give him a look like "are you kidding? This is the villain here. I’m not helping you.” He shouts back at me as I walk away “hey buddy, why don’t you do some good in the world, huh?” I scoffed at this idea. Doing good is for suckers, I thought. I’m here to help myself. I need a fuckin mikcrate. So I keep going. Now, like some time is passing and I’m getting uptight. Like, it’s fun looking in the trash for work, but come on. Gotta get on with it already. I keep going. All up thru the LES and East Vill. Nothin. Then I come across a sketchy scene. Some guy is screaming his ass off. A bunch of cops had this bummy lookin dude on the ground and they were standing on his feet. He is wailing in pain, begging them to get off of his ankle cuz it’s killing him. It didn’t look like they were going to get off. He’s cuffed up and immobile. It seemed excessive. I stood there watching. I felt it was my civic duty to bear witness to this police misconduct. Maybe go on record if need be. Then this thick Asian cop chick comes up to me and says I gotta keep it moving, which I don’t. I’m within my rights to stand there. But I decide, fuck it. I don’t need the hassle. I’m not trying to be some good Samaritan. I don’t have time to get into it with some fuckin cop. So I kept it moving. Now I’m getting pissed. It’s like 2 hours and I can’t find the fuckin mikcrate ANYWHERE. I went from the FDR to 12th street to past Broadway all thru Soho and Nolita and Chinatown and Bowery. I just need one fuckin crate. I see them all the time. Why not now? I start to wonder if there is something metaphorical about this situation. Like am I constructing this situation to avoid work and the fear of success? Do I set up these false tasks as a psychological deflection of responsibility? is there some greater symbolic meaning? Or are there just no mikcrates today? After all my work and planning, why does the final stroke have to be left to chance? It started getting dark. It looked like it was gonna rain. I kept drudging on and it was getting really grey. I looked up at the sky and it was black as fuck. There was this ash black cloud cover over Delancy street with just a small patch in the middle that was still light. The hole was surrounded by ragged clouds that were churning around the edge. Soon the light was swallowed up and there was a HUGE clap of thunder. Shit. I said fuck the crate. I’ll do without. I ran back to the studio and just made due without it. I was so pissed that this one simple thing couldn’t just fall into place. After all I did to get back to where I need to be, why does the one final step have to be something out of my control? I must have control! So I gave up and busted ass on molds for 7 hours. Made some serious progress. Finally at 1 Am I decide to go get a drink with the girl. I lock up and head downstairs and I swear to god there is a fuckin mikcrate right the fuck outside of my building…

JUNE 16, 2006: THE NERDS WIN!

Anyone see the GNARLS BARKLEY performance of “CRAZY” on the MTV movie awards the other day? Beautiful. First of all, I love this song. I never really like anything new. I like the classics. But this song is an exception. It’s funky and lyrically inspiring. I love any type of ambitious song that celebrates wild individuality and uniqueness. Kind feel like it is in the sprit of John Lennon or Jimi Hendrix. It’s that deep to me. I took this song to be a personal anthem of sorts and I sing it all the time. Ok. Plus it’s a hit. Even better. So much of the radio is filled with whiny pussy rock or hateful nihilistic rap. Nothing inspiring there. But then CRAZY comes along and wakes people up. It’s even playing on hot 97 if you can believe that. Okay so that’s enough of a victory to make me happy and then I see on YOU TUBE the clip form the live performance and I was floored. They all came out and did the song in fucking Star wars costumes! And not in some goofy lame way. It was totally straight and reverential. It’s like this is the song of the moment and the IT band of right now. They could have done anything they wanted to and they chose that; To let the nerd flag fly sky high. They let themselves be seen as Star Wars dorks on MTV and they looked cool doing it. That’s it my people! We have arrived! We fucking won!

JUNE 20, 2006: A NEW ENEMY

So you know my toys are all autobiographical and shit? Like my figures are metaphors for people and things in my life. Like the Sucklord is obviously me. Some are based on the women my life, either actual (Mary Paper$) or allegorical (bitch) and others are based on my enemies, or rather they are personifications of things that I have to fight against. Like the Necromancer is my dark side. The deep dark self-destructive part of the self that is constantly trying to undermine the positive productive self. You can freeze this guy, but he can never really be killed. Then there is the Galactic Jerkbag who represents all the little annoying things that just come with out end. Well I have been fighting with a new enemy who as of yet is nameless. I first mistook him for another jerkbag, but he’s different. Where as the jerkbag is a time wasting nuisance or obstacle, this new guy has a different purpose. Like he is for sure an obstacle, but instead of wasting time, grappling with him makes you better. Jerkbags just suck life. The new guy gets in your face too, but when you beat him, you go to a higher level. He's like the big guy at the end of the level that you have to kill to get to the next board. Like my computer failed on me. I had to struggle to replace it, but when I did I was better off. You know what I mean? I wanted to stay put, but this new enemy forced me to get better so I could win. Stay tuned for a new character based on this phenomenon sometime in August or September. He’s still a cocksucker though.

JUNE 25, 2006: CALIFORNIA CREAMIN'

So happy to have gotten a chance to get the fuck out of this hot, miserable city and my shitty miserable life and go to CALI on a weekend SISE TOUR! Dipped out on Jet Blue to San Diego. Started partying as soon as we got to the motel; getting fucked up with our newest Violin Player EDITH YOKLEY. Got up late the next day with some time to kill. Went down to the beach with NEIL OCHOA for some ghetto recreation, The beach was beautiful and the water was warm, but we didn't have no bathing suits, so we went in out underwear. Frolicked in the surf for a while then chilled out on the beach. We must have looked like some sketchy New York motherfuckers sitting out there with no towels or blankets just lying around in our wet boxer briefs with sand all over them. I put my shorts on commando style and chucked the sandy drawers into the trash as we left. Did the gig At BELLY UP tavern and got shit faced. Signing autographs. Some older 40-year-old women were feeling my ass and shit. It was cool, I guess. Then the next day we bounced up to LA and taped some kinda spanish Telemundo TV show. It was a pretty retro stage with a fake studio audience and shit. The we went to TEMPLR BAR for sound check. There were some errors so we had to stay late and there was no time to check into the hotel. So we just got changed and took a hoe bath in the sink and the played the show, It’s a small club and it was hot as balls. We sweated out a hot set and then just jumped into the crowd and started partying. We all got so drunk, dancing around in the dark with who ever, winding up on the floor and getting picked up by security for wilding out too much then winding up back at the hotel at like 3AM and staying up taking compromising pictures with whoever until 5 in the morning. Then suddenly in the mini van again up to San Francisco. Getting there with minimal time for shit. Eating Thai food with my friend MZRE who came and got on stage dancing at the show at BIMBOS. We decided afterwards to go to the CASTRO for the GAY PRIDE pre parade party. MZRE is like "gimmie a minute to change." She comes back suddenly in a hula girl outfit. Okay. She puts a collar with a leash around my neck and some random “stepfather” of hers picks us up in his cab and drives us around all night. Wound up in the street acting wild getting into wacky homo shit. Got my balls cupped by some flamer and then got dragged around on the chain until we got so fucked up we came home. All dead tired as we zipped back to NYC and the grind. Want to stay out there forever….

JUNE 30, 2006: KEEP RUNNIN…

I was planning to name this entry BACK IN BUSINESS, cuz it’s true. Been up in the new SUCKHOLE making toys. Shit is selling. I’m getting paid. All kinds of opportunities cropping up. Unfortunately, the sense of completion that I have been seeking eludes me. I am aiming for this place where all my tasks are done and the desk is clear and I’m chilling. Going about my life in a relaxed manner, but that shit ain't happening. Everytime I think I did all the chores and checked everything off the list, new shit comes up that I gotta do. It never relaxes its assault. It's relentless, the shit I need to be on top of. Hence the title of this last entry in another thrilling season of the SUCKBLOG. This last period was great. It was by far the most trying and dynamic phase in the SUCKLIFE in many a year. I moved out of my childhood home. That was huge. That was the defining event that set off a whole chain of sweeping changes that would get into every aspect of the infrastructure of my existence. Imagine if I didn’t get kicked out of the old Suckhole on Broadway. Shit would be the same as it ever was. Now it’s a whole new game. Comicon is the big lynch pin of July. Going into the next Suckblog finds the evil hero Sucklord racing against the clock to put all his operations in order for the San Diego Comicon. Big time for the SUCKREALM and an important place to shine on your toy art and space beats. So many pieces have to be put into place for this to come off that it’s maddening. Some Gandalf shit has to happen. Plus got mad Out of town SISE gigs all in a row before and after CC. I even have to train a sub to cover a few shows while I’m out west doing my thing. Oh well. I guess chaos in the new order. Better get used to it and ride the lightning. I’m about to blow the fuck up and I can’t be stopped. The best part of my life… Here I come. Yee Haw!